Alone
by theneoncake
Summary: Mello has just left Wammys, leaving Matt behind. This shows of what would have happened if Matt's depression got intense. Without Mello, he feels nothing. Matt Oneshot. Hinted MattxMello. Matt's POV. OOC-ness.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note_

I watched as he left, as he walked away without hesitation. At that moment, I felt abandonment. Again. The feeling in my gut wouldn't go away, that feeling of loneliness. The feeling of being alone is a horrible one. A feeling that cant cease to exist. It will stay with you until you find true happiness, and that happiness is walking away from me.

Once I couldn't see him anymore, I truly felt the dread hit me. I felt it in my chest, pressure against me. I could feel my eyes well up with tears, but I tried so hard not to cry. He left me alone. _"We'll meet again."_ He had said to me. What a joke.

I held back the tears as I slowly got up, every time I moved it got harder and harder not to let myself wail. To let myself cry out. My whole body felt heavy as I moved towards the bed, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die. Mello leaving me was the worst possible thing to happen to me.

I reached the bed, and let myself collapse on it. Laying there motionless. Dead even, but not quite. I felt the need to throw up, I didn't even care if it was on my bed. My stomach fought with itself, it felt as if a tsunami was happening inside.

I turned over on my back, staring at the ceiling. Maybe I've caught a cold? Is it possible for someone to be so upset? Why would he leave me behind? I could have went with him.

"_Let me go with you!" I begged. "Please.." I dropped to my knees. "Please don't leave me behind.." He blew me off like it was nothing but I could see the agony in his eyes. _

I groaned thinking of what had happened. I didn't want to think about it, yet I couldn't stop. I just couldn't comprehend what just happened. It circled in my mind, and I kept getting more and more upset every second it went on longer.

I covered my mouth quickly, feeling myself about to throw up. I got up quickly and rushed to the bathroom. So much for puking on the bed. I gripped the sink tightly, not being able to reach the toilet. I threw up violently, losing my lunch in an instant.

I panted, taking every breath slowly, trying to get a grip on reality. I could feel it running out of my nose, my throat burned, and I was crying. I guess I couldn't take it anymore and just started crying during the process.

The tears were flowing down my cheeks as I stood there, hopeless. I looked up into the mirror, seeing myself. My face was contorted into an unpleasant expression, puke was on my chin and it looked slimy and disgusting. I quickly grabbed toilet paper and wiped off my face. I didn't want to look like that.

I threw the paper into the trash as I walked out of the bathroom. The bedroom was dark and quiet. My face was soaked from crying, and I felt the water drip down my chin and onto my shirt.

I remembered I had some vodka of some sort hidden under my bed. I was going to use it for a special occasion, but I guess it would be alright to use it now.

I padded over to my bed softly, making sure not to stumble. I reached under, moving my hand around, looking for it. It was far under there, but I finally found it and pulled it out. It was covered in dust and grime. I wiped it off with my shirt, making sure it was clean. Opening the cap, the smell of it flew into my nose. It smelled horrid, but yet it smelled just right.

I lifted the bottle up to my mouth, tilting my head back and drinking half of the bottle in one go. I sighed, doing this was just like the movies. Im so cliché.

The bottle had fallen to the floor by now, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I grabbed my head and ruffled with my hair. I wanted to scream, cry out. Wanted someone to help me. But no one would help me. I was all alone in the dark bedroom.

I thought and thought. What do people do when they're depressed besides drink? Smoke. They say it helps them relax. Maybe it'll help me relax too? The guy next door smoked. He probably has some smokes laying around somewhere..

I rushed out of the room, it was past curfew. I could have been caught by Rodger, but why would it matter anyways?

I knocked on the door, awaiting an answer. No answer. I knocked a second time. No answer. I opened the door to peek inside. It seemed that no one was there. So I walked inside, looking for anyone. And I figured out, once again, I was alone.

I shut the door softly, not wanting to disturb anyone. I went to the first drawer I could see, opening it angrily, I looked through it. Moving things around, I couldn't find a pack of smokes in there. I went to the next drawer and the next drawer. Upon opening the last drawer, I moved a couple things around and there it was. A pack of smokes conveniently located next to a lighter with a bird on it. I stuffed them both in my pocket and started out the door.

My trip through that hallway seemed like it took forever, even though I lived right next door. Palming the wall, I leaned against it. I was slightly dizzy and could fall over easily. I didn't want to do that, I was on a roll.

I finally made it to my door, and I opened it gradually. It would open sooner or later.

I stepped inside to my room, once familiar, now foreign. Without him here, it just doesn't seem the same.

Seeing the bottle of vodka had spilled, I stepped over to it, picking it up with no grace at all. I lifted it up again, drinking more of it. It didn't taste the best, but it definitely soothed the pain after a while.

I sat on the floor, leaning against my bed. I pulled out the pack of smokes and lighter, shaking from being nervous. I opened the pack, and pulled out one cigarette. I put it to my lips and lighted it with the lighter. When I inhaled it, I coughed loudly. After a couple seconds, I immediately felt relief for some reason. I didn't know why I hadn't tried these before.. I gradually got used to it, and before long I was smoking like a pro.

The pain was still there, but it was numb.

* * *

I was drunk, and the room was spinning. It had been days since I saw Mello leave. When did he even leave? How did I become what I am? I had drunken three bottles of vodka, I hadn't slept, and I was almost out of smokes. "This sucks!" I yelled out, talking to myself.

"He doesn't deserve me.." I kept on reassuring myself.

I stood up, upset, and angry. I looked around once again as I always do.

"He isn't coming back.. is he?" I finally realized." I thought that he would for sure, but it seems I'm probably wrong. What's the point of living if he isn't in my life? 'We'll meet again?' Bullshit. No we won't. I'll never see you again. You were just saying that to get my hopes up!" I threw the lighter across the room and knelt down, my face once again becoming wet. The tears overflowed and had no intention to stop.

"How could he do this to me..?" I sighed, hugging myself.

My life was technically over. Why not make it actually over?

I stomped over to the door, tripping over my own feet and falling against the door. I stood up properly and opened the door casually, acting as if nothing happened. I looked out of the door slightly, checking to see if anyone was there. No one.

I stepped out, and started towards the highest level. I was on the lowest level and had to make it up all those stairs. Those fucking stairs.

I reached the first set of stairs and climbed onto the first step, the second and so on. I hoped that no one would stop me, I was going to do this with or without anyone's permission.

I reached the top of the steps, bending over to catch my breath. Sweat was dripping down from my forehead. I quickly wiped it off and pressed on. The halls were so long, it felt as if I was going down an endless hallway. Walking forever, trying to reach the end, which would never come.

When I arrived at the second flight of stairs, I felt more confident in climbing to the top. It was as if this was all a game. All pretend and make believe.

I held onto the rail for dear life, hoping to god I wouldn't fall backwards. If I did I probably wouldn't get back up again. Not here, not now.

I got to the top, almost slipping and falling backwards, but I caught myself before I could. I stood there for a moment, taking in my surroundings before moving on again.

I knew the exit was on this floor. I knew it was. This was the highest floor of Wammys. I looked around for any kind of door. There were doors for rooms and for closets. No exit door though. Not yet anyway.

I made my way over to a window, looking out. I was so high up from the ground. It scared me. It frightened me.

I turned around, seeing the door behind me. I hurried over to it, opening it quickly, and rushed up the stairs. I tripped a couple of times, but eventually made it to the roof. I felt the breeze sweep across me, my hair going in front of my face, my clothes moving with the wind.

As I stood there I looked over at the bars, seeing the trees in the far distance. The way they moved in the wind, the way they swayed.

I slowly made my way over to one of the bars, gripping it tightly. "Hey." I heard a voice call.

I turned my head to look at where the noise was coming from, it was Near. He must have followed me up here. "What do you want?" I slurred.

"Listen, you don't need to do this.." He brought his hand up to start twirling with a lock of his hair.

"You don't even know me! Near, listen, I have nothing left to live for. And he isn't coming back. What's the damn point?!" I said as I started climbing over the rail.

"You never know. Just don't do anything rational. Come back over. We can work something out. I don't want your death to be my fault."

"You fault? I wouldn't be blaming you for Mello's actions. Mello is emotional and can't handle things like this." I got fully over and stood on the edge looking down, and I started crying again. "Just leave me be, please.." I pleaded him.

Before I knew it, he was gone. I was finally alone again. I had gotten used to it. It was calming, yet unsettling.

I thought to myself, "What if he actually comes back?" But then reality hit me hard, he wasn't coming back. He is stubborn and only cares about himself, but somehow I still love him. Somehow.

I loosened my grip and let myself fall. The air hard against my body, I closed my eyes awaiting death. It was hard letting go, I did anyway. I could feel the second I hit the ground, because I felt nothing. Everything suddenly disappeared.

And at that moment before I died, I thought to myself.. "Will you leave me alone once again?"


End file.
